An Open Letter To Pets

[RenMannV]

A message to my fellow housemates:
     
Dear Dogs and Cats,
     
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
     
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
     
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
     
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
     
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
     
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
     
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
     
The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
     
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door:

  Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
     
    They live here. You don't.
     
    If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
     
    We like our pets more than we like most people.
     
    To you it's an animal. To us he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
     
    Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[snarf]

AMEN

[jfields]

Nice! We have 2 dogs and 5 cats, so I can identify with just about all that was said. One might add: The motorcycle seat is not a bed. It is for me to sit on. Until you can clean your own hair off the seat, leave it alone.

[Wess]

     
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My german Shepard sleeps like that and she has to sleep crosswise and not lenghtwise.  Then she has the gall to look hurt when I kick her in the ass to make her move. 

Now that I think about she is a lot like the old lady. (I can say that as she does not get on here  )

[Mr Pepsi (Brent)]

Three cats a "dog" and one rat here. Loved it.
I say "dog" because it's a Chihuahua.

[Bearonabicycle]

Three cats a "dog" and one rat here. Loved it.
I say "dog" because it's a Chihuahua.

Cornish Game Dog 

Chuck

[Sparkie]

Well said about our beloved pets. My wife and I had to make the decision to put our loved mainecoon cat to sleep after almost 25 yrs with him.  This happened on 1/25/10 and believe me we are both feeling the loss. Its really amazing what our pets add to our lives. Mark

[Mr Pepsi (Brent)]

25 years?!?!?!?
Holy crap!
I'm sorry to hear, but 25 years?

[Sparkie]

25 years?!?!?!?
Holy crap!
I'm sorry to hear, but 25 years?


I certainly wasn't planning for that kind of commitment either. But obviously he was a special cat. We will enjoy our freedom this summer and enjoy some m/c trips around the southwest. Mark

[marcusorelius]

We will enjoy our freedom this summer and enjoy some m/c trips around the southwest. Mark

I have the freedom, I just take Duke with me!

[millerized]

Just showed that to the house cats.  They passed it on to the garage cats.


Ever hear 17 cats laughing at once?

Deafening....seriously